I have been having these crazy vivid dreams lately. And I wake up SO groggy and almost unable to walk. It's like I'm getting hardly any sleep because I'm dreaming and waking up so often. Last night I dreamt of love.
It's weird how you can feel emotions in dreams that you've never felt before in real life. I have felt fear, dread, sadness, and hatred deeper in my dreams than ever. I felt love in my dreams last night, and I woke up longing for that feeling. I think I might now understand what love is. I'm only afraid that the memory of that feeling is already slipping away in my waking life.

I've been unemployed now for over a month. It's been a grueling, drunken, awesome roller coaster of emotions and life choices. One day I'm extremely happy to not be in that terrible store anymore, the next I'm wondering what I'm doing with my life.

Last night, I had a moment of clarity. And I realize now that clarity doesn't have to mean that you've come to some huge conclusion about your life and where you're headed, I think sometimes it can just be that moment that you realize how damn fortunate you are to be on this earth. It was about 4:30 AM. I had been out with some new girl friends all night after telling the guy I was seeing that I just wanted to be friends, and ended the night with a beer and Netflix in bed. After my show ended, I still had half a beer. So I finished drinking it and just looked around my room. I smiled. For no reason. All alone, just broke up with someone, and I'm smiling. I finally saw how lucky I was... I have overcome so many obstacles and this one is the best. I used to be so afraid to be alone, physically. I've never minded not being in a relationship, but I always felt so afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. I never feel that way anymore, now I crave that alone time just as much as I crave being social. Realizing that last night, really feeling it, was the greatest thing I've ever done.

Now, I'm not saying I'm done growing. I am obviously still a little depressed about not having a job and bring broke right now, I find it hard to get out of bed without a reason. BUT I am starting school in April and I know that will help me. Things are looking up for me, even just in the slightest way. My next obstacle after school is going to be to figure out how to deal with opening a store and also doing what I want in school...

"This particular evening, if it is remembered for nothing else, will be remembered in that place for its strange sunset. It looked like the end of the world. All the heaven seemed covered with a quite vivid and palpable plumage; you could only say that the sky was full of feathers, and of feathers that almost brushed the face. Across the great part of the dome they were grey, with the strangest tints of violet and mauve and an unnatural pink or pale green; but towards the west the whole grew past description, transparent and passionate, and the last red-hot plumes of it covered up the sun like something too good to be seen. The whole was so close about the earth as to express nothing but a violent secrecy. The very empyrean seemed to be a secret. It expressed that splendid smallness which is the soul of local patriotism. The very sky seemed small."

excerpt from the Man Who Was Thursday

"But atheism is not a recipe for despair. I think the opposite. By disclaiming the idea of a next life, we can take more excitement in this one. The here and now is not something to be endured before eternal bliss or damnation. The here and now is all we have; an inspiration to make the most of it. So atheism is life-affirming, in a way religion can never be. Look around you. Nature demands our attention; begs us to explore; to question. Religion can provide only facile, ultimately unsatisfying answers. Science, in constantly seeking real explanations, reveals the true majesty of our world in all its complexity." - Richard Dawkins, Root of All Evil

Christmas was really wonderful.
I stayed at Kevin's house Christmas Eve so we could wake up in the am and open gifts. I made coffee (watery not very good coffee) and we opened our gifts. He got me some awesome gifts.
- A Very Sunny Christmas
- Rad jacket
- Car emblem that says science but resembles the jesus fish
- Carl Sagan's Cosmos (book)
- Batman Gothic
- the Killing Joke
- Batman Begins
- X Men Trilogy
- Teeth
- Wanted
- the Sims 3
- two awesome Threadless shirts
- Iron Man
- $30 at Powells
- Grizzly Bear - Yellow House on vinyl
- Record player/receiver

Aubrey and I are going to get our nails done for Christmas once she gets paid :)
Kelsie got me Drag Me to Hell !!
My mom got me a really cute sweater dress and some awesome boots
My sister got me the most wonderful scarf ever in the world
My grandpa got me pajamas and $50 at Fred Meyer
My mom gave Kevin THE COOLEST bottle opener. It's shaped like the Enterprise. Oh my god it's awesome I wish I drank beer so I could get myself one! I guess I could use it to open other things...

The moral of the story is, Kevin is the best boyfriend ever. And my family spoiled me :)As long as Kevin is around I will continue to have awesome Christmases.
We had a little Christmas get together but no one showed up except our boyfriends, which I guess wasn't very surprising and was our fault for trying to throw a party on Christmas. :) we'll try to have another get together soon and if no one shows then we have horrible friends and need to reevaluate our relationships.
Sometimes I wonder if I need to rethink most of my friendships anyway...

Where have all the interesting, politically involved, anti religious people gone?

I have a lot of friends, whom I love dearly, but who I unfortunately cannot talk to about politics, religion, science, beauty. It's not that they wont talk about it. It's that it becomes mostly just me, spouting off the things I have recently learned reading The God Delusion or Huffington Post and I learn nothing. I want to learn, I want to grow as a person. I feel inspired reading Richard Dawkins' writing. He inspires me to learn more, and to share what I've learned. I want to do something important. I want to be the next Richard Dawkins or Jon Stewart. Someone who takes their knowledge and beliefs and shares them with people like me.
This quote by John Adams is wonderful... but it made me a little sad. I think you'll understand why...
"As the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion - as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of Musselmen, - and as the said States never have entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mehomitan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arrising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries."

With that, it's time for bed. I've learned many new things today, reading the God Delusion, and I enjoy thinking about them.

I watched that movie, Freaks. Anyone seen it? The one with this guy...




So... I googled ( FreaksCollapse )

( INTROBOTSCollapse )
OH MY GOD. My internet just totally flipped off, thank GOD for livejournal storing drafts, and thank GOD again for firefox having the ability to restore your session. PHEW!

I took some pretty awesome pictures of some pipes. Thought you girls might enjoy.
( see the wonderous magnificence of functional glass artCollapse )

June 13th, 2008 Free the Robots played at Backspace :D
They're my favorite and I've been waiting for them to come around these parts for about a year now. They didn't know where to go in Portland, so I told them to go to Backspace. It worked out well :)
( Free the RobotsCollapse )